Buns of steel

So when Barrett and I went to New York, we walked most of the day. I feel like I rode a horse for hours, both of us can barely walk. We probably covered about 7-8 miles that day. Part of which was due to some bad directions by Barrett, but blamed on me (see previous blog 'Internal Compass...Compai?' for a similar scenario).

We decided to walk up to the American Museum of Natural History from Penn Station. I brought us up 5th (the east side) instead of 8th (the west side) avenue by mistake, but I figured we could walk across Central Park. I was going to lead us into the park at one point, but Barrett said 'I think we need to go in up there', so I followed along and we wandered in. It turned out we wandered in on 72nd street, which basically is a walled road through the park which lets you see nothing. Only a few other silly tourists made the same mistake as us. It led us straight through the park to 8th Ave, and we took a path inside the park for the last few blocks up to the museum (Which is at 79th). Not much of a view. The total distance from the southeast corner of the park to the AMNH is about 1.75 miles according to Mapquest.

We ended up grabbing our tickets and heading back down to the MOMA for a while, and we came back up to go through the AMNH later in the afternoon to go through their Darwin exhibit. This time, we said, we would actually get to see some of the park. After wandering by some cops with M-3s (lovely), we entered the park at the southeast corner. We went through the zoo, and I pointed out the place I had suggested we enter the park on our earlier excursion, (I got poked in the side for that). We spotted Mikey from American Chopper, and Barrett stopped to call his friend Dave and tell him. This occured at a fork in the path, and Barrett was 'sure' he knew which way to go, so I followed, rather than argue. I proceeded to tell him Several times that I thought we were going the wrong way, and he kept laughing at how confused I was getting, while assuring me we were headed across the park in the right direction. We passed statues of Shakespeare and Columbus, and there were some fenced off areas, but Barrett pressed on in his determined direction. We then saw an ice rink across the street, and Barrett saw a sign on it that said TRUMP, which I couldn't see, so we crossed the street and went down to the ice rink so Barrett could show me the sign, then proceeded to walk on paths that I didn't think were right. Eventually we got out of the park, on the SOUTH SIDE, practically where we started.

This took at least 20-30 minutes. We then had to walk all the way around the park and back to the museum. That boy has a heck of a compass, I tell you. And then he had the nerve to try and play it off on me! "You were getting me messed up with all of your confusion". Yeah, nice try.

So we got to burn a lot of extra calories on our trip to NYC. Yee hah.

Who wants to get lost more? Barrett wants to get lost more.

-barrett 'n megan

Raindrops keep fallin on my head...

Barrett and I went into New York City today. We took the train. We decided to sit in the last seat at the back of the train car. At first I sat next to Barrett, but then we decided to get more space, and he switched to the seat opposite the one he originally had. We both almost put our feet up on the seats opposite us, but then felt bad, we didn't want to get the seats dirty. About 5 seconds later, water started dripping out of the ceiling right where he had been sitting at first. Then it started dripping on the seat next to him. It was just bizarre. As we went down the tracks and the train swayed side to side, the seats across the aisle from us started getting dripped on too, though no one was there. Some more water started dripping a few rows away, and that actually started landing on people, who had to move. We stopped at one station with the train leaning a little on the track, and it started pouring quite heavily out of the ceiling on the other side of the train. We couldn't stop laughing.

The floor was really wet, and then the lights went out, so we decided that there was probably a short, and if we kept our feet off the ground we'd avoid electrocution. But we still didn't want to put them on the seats. So we were jokingly holding our legs up in the air. We've decided there could be a new exercise market for us. Abs of steel by fear of electrocution. We'll give you your own electric mat. Hold your legs up and you're fine, but every time you put them down, you get a shock. You'll be firm in no time!

As the trip proceeded on, we were amazed at all the new leaks that sprung up but never landed on us. There was a poster on the far wall of the train car for a non-profit that said "Donate your car" and I said 'aha!' that's why this leaks, some other company must have seen the poster and donated one of their old cars. Barrett said his rusty old car didn't even leak this much. Then the conductors said the car was only 5 years old. This is the quality of workmanship these days? So we thought maybe it was a way for the MTA to get back at everyone for the contract problem. So THAT'S what they were doing while they were on strike, loosening screws on train cars all over the Northeast Corridor.

Just before we got to New York, the train leaked on me. I had made it for 40 minutes, but couldn't hold out. Barrett got a good kick out of being in the only moisture-free seat.

But that was made up for after we got into New York, and he got soaked in the pouring rain.
No hat.
40 Blocks.
Silly Barrett.

Who wanted to stay dry more? The people who stayed home wanted to stay dry more.

-barrett 'n megan

When I die...

So today Barrett and I were talking about video headstones.
For those not aware, you can get an LED screen on your tombstone that shows a video. That's right, first it was pictures, and now you can get videos. They are solar powered. We're wondering if the video runs continuously or if it is motion sensored. Could you imagine all the deer stopping by to hang out and watch your movie each night while they eat the grass? We think there should be voice recordings you can make that would be appropriate for different occasions as well.

I would like to have a motion sensor that triggers when people just walk by, at which point a voice recording of me would say "HEY! Over here! You walk by without stopping to say hello?"

Barrett wants to have a voice activated program, which would get rid of the deer problems. His voice activated program would respond to different words in different ways. If someone said "I miss you" His tombstone would respond "I miss you too, buddy."

Our final thought is to include a weight sensor on the ground, so if you step on the grave the tombstone says "Hey fatty, get off my grave!" Then it would toss the actual weight into your recording like when you call 411, and say "I mean, come on, you weigh" "ONE-HUNDRED AND EIGHTY NINE" "pounds!". Which isn't heavy, so we'll get a chuckle out of giving everyone a complex in our afterlife.

Who wants to haunt you from the grave more? We want to haunt you from the grave more.

-barrett 'n megan

Family Christmas: Round Two

Today we spent the day with my father's side of the family. That side of the family has a lot of harrowing traditions, one of which is Plum Pudding.

Plum Pudding is a bizarre food with a bizarre tradition.

Basically, you combine bread crumbs, lots of fruits, and beef suet into a dessert.

Yup. There's a meat product in the dessert.

After mixing them together, you steam the thing for several hours.

Then we place it on a plate,
douse it in brandy,
light it on fire,
sing jingle bells,
watch 2 relatives eat it,
and throw it out.

Yup. We light it on fire and sing around it. Why? It's tradition. God love my family.

The two relis who actually liked the Plum Pudding passed away over the past few years, so this year we bought it from the store and microwaved it. We still lit it on fire, and a cousin and I tried some, but 95 % of the pudding went into the trash.

It's a fun tradition. It doesn't make any sense, but it's fun.

Our other tradition is the family football pool. Each year you put in $5 and get a team headed to the playoffs, and hope they'll win the Superbowl so you can win the pool. I got Kansas City/Pittsburgh. Arrrgh....that means I got a wildcard team that hasn't been decided yet. Which means that I've got one of the worst teams going into the playoffs. Which means my $5 went down the drain.

I keep hoping that someday it will be my turn for the $50. But by then I will probably have tossed $100 into the pool. Ah well, like the Plum Pudding, it's fun.

Who wants to do stupid things in the name of tradition more? My family wants to do stupid things in the name of tradition more.

-barrett 'n megan

You can take the stuffing out of the bird, but you can't take the bird out of the stuffing...

Time for the Christmas blogs. It started beautifully with me knocking on my brother's door to get him up, and him responding with "Uuuuhhhhhh......" like the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. While we unwrapped gifts, we flipped on the holiday music that's on the cable system. As the music played these random holiday movie facts would come on the TV screen. And then came a sign in beautiful script with a sprig of holly that said:

Old School Rap will return on 12/31/05

Priceless. Apparently, when choosing which music channel was least-necessary and most-easily-replaced by holiday music, Old School Rap won out. How does one decide which of the various music stations gets wiped off the map for a week?

Who wants you to listen to them more? Holiday musicians want you to listen to them more.

-barrett 'n megan

Internal compasses....compai?

So Barrett and I were driving around northern Jersey this evening. We got completely lost. At first we knew the general direction we were driving, but we were in the hills and it was dark out, so somewhere along the way Barrett's internal compass got mixed up. We came upon a road he recognized, and he turned left, when I thought we should turn right. So we started going north and came along a huge lake, which turned out to be the Wanaque Reservoir (which is about 11 miles N/S). I pulled out the map (as boys never do), and discovered we were about 5 miles from the border with New York, oops.

Of course he said "no we're not..."

and I said "trust me, I found us on the map, we're headed towards New York, but this road curves to the east so we'll take it around the reservoir and pick up another road that will take us back south."

But still he wouldn't believe me. So then we hit another split in the road and he recognized route 17 and wanted to follow it, but I said "NO! the sign ALSO says TO NEW YORK!" and he finally agreed to take my advice, and surely enough we wandered around the reservoir and get back to Route 23. Along the way we entered West Milford Township...and left West Milford Township...and entered West Milford township...and we were headed to a town called Newfoundland (which sounded like a really cool place to visit) on Route 23 and I said "Okay, that stoplight up there should be Newfoundland". As we pulled off to make a U-Turn at the stoplight we saw a sign that said "Welcome to West Milford Township."

Arghhhhhhh.....We turned around on 23 and entered West Milford Township again, and then two miles down the road, without ever leaving, we entered West Milford Township AGAIN. It was enough to make you tear your hair out.


Now, while we're wandering NJ the state is selecting its new motto (stay with me, this all ties together). The current motto is NJ and You: Perfect Together. They want to update it. So here are the five finalists:

* New Jersey, Expect the Unexpected
-yeah, like a mugger coming out of a dark alley at you. That one is just ASKING for ridicule.

* New Jersey, Love at First Sight
-while this might be true when coming in from Easton PA, the views you get when coming in from the Lincoln Tunnel, or flying over the oil refineries on your way into Newark Airport probably aren't going to have the right effect. I think 'NJ, it grows on you' would be more appropriate.

* New Jersey, Come See for Yourself
-again, just ASKING for ridicule. Especially when Camden is the most dangerous city in the country. Don't believe us? Come see for yourself

* New Jersey, The Real Deal
-nice play on words what with the casinos in Atlantic City. No major faults, but I think it's a little too vague.

* New Jersey, The Best Kept Secret
-usually if something is called the Best Kept Secret, it's best kept a secret. I don't like this either.

So Barrett and I came up with our own. We love wandering the roads and seeing where we end up. And this goes well with that tough but loving Jersey attitude we've got. So here's our suggesting for the new state motto:

New Jersey, Get Lost!

You can vote on one of the top five here

Who wants to stay in NJ more? People who read maps want to stay in NJ more.

-barrett 'n megan

Whomever designed that court case wasn't very intelligent

So the results of the Dover PA Intelligent Design court case have come down from Judge Jones (who, incidentally, was made a judge by George W. Bush). He was pretty darn harsh, and pretty much slammed the Board of Education for trying to teach Intelligent Design. I've been listening to the BBC World Service for the last several hours, and I'm extra happy about his decision because, for once, we haven't managed to sound like the biggest idiots on the planet. In fact, we sound downright rational. Which is not something that usually comes across when the BBC is talking about Americans. Maybe this is a sign of good things to come. Or, if Pat Robertson is right, we'll all burn in hell. I like barbeque, so whatevs.

In honor of this win for science, I'd like to suggest several articles by The Onion, the best fake news on the internet. It's possible some of these won't keep the same link for too long, so if you've come across this blog weeks after it was posted, I apologize for any bad links.

Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity with New 'Intelligent Falling' Theory

Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs, 'Oh Shit' Says Humanity

Human Feet Originally Used for Walking, Anthropologists Report

Newly Discovered Fossils Reveal Prehistoric Humans were Bony

Exxon Paleontologists Call for Increased U.S. Fossil Production

Paleontology Class Winces whenever Fundamentalist Kid Raises Hand

Creationist Museum Acquires 5,000 Year Old T. Rex Skeleton

Infographic: Intelligent Design Trial

And for those of you doing last minute holiday shopping, might I suggest the following pro-evolution gifts:

I Give Evolution Two Opposable Thumbs Up! Bumper Sticker

Darwin Fish Car Decal

Honk! If You Understand Punctuated Equilibria Bumpersticker

Evolutionists Do It With Increasing Complexity Bumpersticker

Who wants to retain the seperation of church and state more? Judge Jones, the conservative Christian nominated to his position by George W. Bush wants to retain the seperation of church and state more.

- barrett 'n megan

Illegal Schmillegal

Sigh, I'm about to rant about politics, so I apologize. And I also want to state that this is a straight-up Megan post (as most are), since I'm being so opinionated.

SO, the president came out today and admitted that he had in fact signed a secret deal that allowed for Americans to have their phones tapped without a court order, as part of the war on terra'. But then, here's what I love, he went on to say that the person who leaked this information to the media was doing something illegal.

I'm sorry...come again?

That's right, what HE did in a secret act that goes around all the systems of checks and balances we have to protect our country...that was okay...but leaking information to the media is ILLEGAL. Come on, do you really think that's going to take the heat off what you did? 'well...what I did might be kinda bad...but what that OTHER guy did, that was illegal...so there'.

Arghh.....it makes me sad and angry when things like this happen.

Who wants a more honest government more? I want a more honest government more

- megan

Meddling with Metal

So this sculpture



by Henry Moore was stolen from the Henry Moore Foundation in England over the weekend. It was likely stolen to melt down the bronze and resell it, as copper and bronze are extremely hot commodities at the moment. This is too bad, because it's a nice piece. I don't always get abstract art, but I just like the shape of this one. And it's better than the rusty iron pieces some folks make, I definately don't get that.

There are a LOT of comments that could be made about this. Never mind the fact that one might wonder how a 10 foot long, massive piece of bronze could be removed without notice (perhaps it's that stodgy British politeness that kept folks from asking where the art was going...). I'm more interested in focusing on the piece as a sort of 3D Rorschach Test.

The piece is called "Reclining Figure". I'm curious as to what others think it looks like? I call it "Horizontal Woodpecker"




Or perhaps "Pterydactyl in Tar Pit". Other opinions?

Who wants fancy sculptures more? Thieves who need to ruin art to make money want fancy sculptures more.

-barrett 'n megan

Lessons from Willy Wonka

Willy Wonka taught me a lot of things, but the one that came to mind today was this: Never try to replace food with candy that tastes like food. Candy should taste like candy. When Violet ate candy that tasted like blueberry pie, she turned into a blueberry.

So today I stopped by someone's office, and on my way out I grabbed a piece of candy from the jar on the desk. It tasted familiar, but not like any candy I'd had before. I looked at the wrapper, it was a Lifesaver's Creamsaver, with the flavor of Pumpkin Pie. As I walked on I thought "this really does taste like Pumpkin Pie!" and that's when the panic set in. I knew it was stupid. I knew it wasn't a true story. Yet until that candy was gone, I kept feeling for changes in my body, and looking down at myself to make sure I wasn't turning into a pumpkin. Because Pumpkin Pie, even if it's great, belongs on a plate with whipped cream, not in a hard candy.

Who wants to taste like food more? Creamsavers want to taste like food more.

-barrett 'n megan

Great NJ Diners

There's an article on CNN today about a dead mobster found in the trunk of a car in New Jersey. We haven't had a good mob incident (save the sopranos) in New Jersey in a while. So this in interesting. It fits the great profiles of a Mobster movie even: New Jersey, Dead Guy in a Trunk, a Diner.

Ah the token diner. Folks who aren't from the east coast don't really appreciate the diner as much as they may claim to. The ability to have a 24 hour diner at your beck and call is amazing. Why, if you don't have enough gas to get home (and you can't buy any because all of the gas stations in the area are closed for the evening; since we can't pump our own here), you can still find a diner to sit in and drink coffee and eat an omelette while waiting for the sun to come up. It's beautiful. Most of us associate our high school weekends with the diner in the neighborhood.

But this mobster
this guy was found here:

Why, why, WHY do we have a Huck Finn Diner in New Jersey??!!?? Could there be any characters who have LESS to do with our little state? Maybe Wyatt Earp. Or the San Francisco 49ers. But come on...Sure, there are a lot of diners in New Jersey, so you want a distinctive name to catch someone's attention, but this doesn't make any sense. The Mark Twain Dinette is found in Hannibal, MO, where Samuel Clements is from. I think the Huck Finn diner belongs somewhere along the Mississippi River, not on the east coast. This is almost as silly as the Howard Stern Rest Stop.

Who wants your business more? Diners with names that come from literary characters of our childhood want your business more.

-barrett 'n megan